Are you stuck in the drama triangle?

Hi friends! Time for a brain dump from me ;)

Over the last couple of weeks I've delivered lots of workshops and coaching sessions. Nothing unusual there. In every coaching session and workshop there are often similar themes and by themes I mean things like:

lack of empowerment
poor relationships
unclear communication
conflict

And whilst these themes have been present as usual, the thing that has struck me the most is that there's something else that is coming through in the language that people use. Something that we see and talk about in the OD/organisational psychology space but that when we ourselves are using that language struggle to recognise it.

I'm talking about the drama triangle.

Over the last couple of weeks it's been prevalent in so many of the conversations that I've had and heard that I felt the need to name it in the hopes that if you're "stuck" in the drama triangle this might help you out.

So...

What is the drama triangle?

There are several variations of the drama triangle, I'll throw a couple down, but essentially they are three states (I know, shock, who would have thought there was three..) that we can sit in when we are in a dysfunctional relationship or situation.

The three states are:

The persecutor, the rescuer, the victim.

Another version of this is victim, villain, and helpless.

Often when you're in the drama triangle, you don't realise that you're in it - which is the first problem. The second problem is that we don't teach this stuff to everyone - so even if you're feeling or thinking a certain thing you can't actually name it, which makes ownership of your role pretty difficult and escape from the drama triangle impossible.

How do we end up in the drama triangle?

IMO there are three main reasons that we end up in the drama triangle:

Habit
Learned behaviour
Stories

Habit

We've been in a relationship with a person (and this can be a professional relationship with a boss, co-worker etc. as well as a relationship with a spouse or family member) for so long and a pattern of behaviour was established that has never been challenged.

Learned behaviour

Growing up we experienced some of these relationships firsthand within our home and as we became adults we believe that that is how all relationships function. We believe that the dysfunction in the relationship is actually normal. We've never been role modelled a different way.

Stories

We tell ourselves stories about situations and even worse we dress those stories up as facts. That person doesn't like me because... There's nothing that I can do about this situation, I'm stuck... It's all their fault... I've done nothing wrong, it's all them...

When we start to tell ourselves stories these stories have a huge impact on how we feel and therefore on how we act and so the cycle continues. We start to find "evidence" that backs up our story and ignore anything that contradicts the stories that we tell ourselves.

How do we get out of the drama triangle?

So firstly, there's some self-reflection and ownership on our part - I know, I know, none of us want to do this bit! You can do this by asking yourself some questions:

Why would a reasonable person behave like this?
What am I pretending not to notice about my role in this?
What would I do if I really wanted to move forward from this?

Then the real hard work comes. The next step to getting out of the drama triangle is to change your behaviour. Change the way you respond, change the stories you're telling yourself. This bit is NOT easy, especially if you've ended up in the drama triangle because of habit or learned behaviour.

And finally you have to replace those stories with new stories. Spend some time thinking about what purpose being in the drama triangle has for you. How does it serve you?

Does it lend itself to connecting with a certain group of people?

Do you use it as a way to share information about a person to another person?

When you share stories with others do they offer you affection/reassurance/support?

When we are in the drama triangle it often serves a need for us, and that need isn't usually a healthy one.

How can I figure out if I'm in the drama triangle in a relationship?

For me, when I'm in the drama triangle most of the time I'm villainising the other person, so I know when I'm in the drama triangle when I've got that fire in my belly when I think about our interactions. (the persecutor)

For others, being in the drama triangle can feel like needless meddling. That person who is constantly telling you what you should do then getting offended if you don't take the advice or act accordingly. (the rescuer)

Sometimes it can be that when we are in the company of a certain person we just accept that that there's nothing we can do about the relationship. That they will always make us feel like we are less than. (the victim)

Where do I go once I'm out of the drama triangle?

Where do you go? To the winners triangle of course! ;) (this is not something I made up - honest!).

The winners triangle is where we are in healthy, supportive relationships. It's where we can challenge safely and be vulnerable. It's where there is positive intent from both sides. It's a nice place to be!

Final thoughts

I've come across very few people who aren't in the drama triangle in at least one relationship in their lives, and knowledge of the drama triangle and winners triangle is just the first step to helping to have healthier relationships. This isn't easy stuff, I know that, and requires us to not only look at others' behaviour but also our own.

Ultimately, I hope this helps someone at some point to be able to name an unhealthy relationship and move towards making it a more healthy relationship.

If you want more diets - drop me a message.

For now,

Toodles x