Are you carrying other people's monkeys?
Hey Humans! This publication is all about monkeys! Not actual monkeys... that would be weird. Metaphorical monkeys.
It's a strange analogy but one that I use often when someone comes to me for advice in a situation. There are three main people who I see fall foul of a monkey problem. They are:
People in HR or some sort of people-facing role
Managers and leaders who see their role as a "fixer"
People who have a tendency to like to "rescue" others
If one of the above resonates with you, you might want to keep reading.
Let me start with a scenario, this is the easiest way to illustrate monkeys.
A couple of weeks ago I met with friend who works in HR(I know, shocker, I have friends). I asked how things were going and he said that he was snowed under. That he was struggling. That there just seemed to be SO MUCH going wrong at the moment. I delved deeper, asked what was going on. Here's the list that he gave me:
He had several people coming to him to ask about benefits and he'd committed to sending them over the information that they had asked for. It was an admin task that would take a couple of hours that he didn't have.
A member of his team was in the process of arranging training for senior leaders but the team member needed some information from one of the senior leaders so he committed to going to the senior leader to get the info.
He had been asked to attend several additional meetings for teams within his organisation to talk about expectations and meeting etiquette.
It's often the little things that overwhelm a person and this was certainly the case for him. He was trying to juggle his normal, day-to-day job and also the things above. And it was the things above that were causing the most stress.
These are what I call other people's monkeys.
They are the things, tasks, and problems that others' share with us that we then take responsibility for. Despite them not being our responsibility to solve.
Now what I'm not saying is
don't ever help anyone in need. I'm not saying that as managers and leaders we shouldn't be there if there's an instance that someone cannot solve the problem for themselves. I'm not saying don't offer advice and guidance. In fact, I'm saying the very opposite - OFFER advice and guidance - but do it in the form of questions and suggestions rather than taking responsibility.
The problem with taking people's monkeys
Imagine on any given day you're faced with conversations with people that you work and live with. Each time they bring you a problem and each time you take on the responsibility of that problem. Here's why that's a bad thing:
At the end of the day you're carrying 30 monkeys whilst those around you are freely frolicking in fields of wildflowers, sun beaming, without a care in the world (I'm right now visualising a cross between Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music and Bella Swan in the field in Twilight). Needless to say, you're exhausted AND have all of these problems to fix.
You are teaching those around you that you will take on their problems. So many people come to me to talk about issues of accountability within their teams and organisations - taking the monkey exacerbates a lack of accountability because "someone else will deal with the problem".
You're not teaching people to fish. If it's people on your team who are coming to you when they have a problem and you're fixing it, you're not setting them up for success when it comes to them solving problems for themselves in the future. And what if they are a future leader? What are you teaching them about empowerment within the team?
But what if I want to help? I can't NOT take the monkey if someone is upset or stressed or worried.
This is exactly what you're going to do. You're not going to take the monkey. It doesn't mean you're not going to help, you're going to help in a different way. You're going to help by first asking questions and then giving advice (probably based on your experience).
Ask the person "What have you done so far in this situation to try and solve the problem?"
Ask "If I was out on annual leave, what is the next thing you would do to solve this problem?"
Ask "When you were thinking about bringing this problem me, what's the action that you were hoping for me to do about it?"
These questions help with understanding why the person is maybe not taking action themselves - then you can give them advice on next steps.
Encourage the person to self-serve, show them a way of putting their monkey down without you having to take responsibility of it.
In the scenario of my HR friend this would look like:
Pointing the individuals who were looking for information to the intranet where the information is kept. If it wasn't there, then providing them with the phone number to contact the provider.
Ask the member on his team what was stopping them from reaching out to the senior manager directly. Coach them through how they could phrase their communications to that senior manager.
Ask the manager what they have done so far to foster the culture they are looking for. Encourage them to find the solution that is right for their team and support to create what they are looking for whilst allowing them to still own the problem.
The benefits of not taking monkeys...
Seems pretty clear to me. But if it was easy then we would all be doing it! So here are some things that you will want to keep in mind if you decide you want to take less monkeys.
You're moving from a "knowing" state to a "questioning" state
If those around you are used to you taking the monkeys you're going to have some resistance to start with - persevere and stay with it
Not taking the monkeys can seem like harder work in the beginning but it will save you time in the long run
And here's the biggest one that I think is hard to deal with.
People will still need you. You will be just as valuable, just as loved, just as important to people when they are struggling. Only this time they will be coming to you to support rather than solve. Your value is not based on the number of monkeys you can take but on the support that you can give those around you.
Teams and individuals that can deal with their own monkeys are:
Empowered to take responsibility
Accountable for their own actions
Have psychological safety that they are supported by you
Are solution orientated rather than problem orientated
Have stretch goals that set them up for success in their future career paths
Next time you're faced with a monkey, stop and think, do I want to take this monkey or help and support the person to put the monkey down themselves.
I hope it's the latter!
I'd love to hear if this resonates with you - feel free to drop me a message!
But for now,
Toodles x
